Afterland to Acquire Hinduism

Hinduism, the third largest organized religion, and Afterland Incorporated, most commonly known for their low-cost eternal residential option, have announced their agreement in which Afterland Incorporated will purchase Hinduism for an undisclosed amount.

The Brihadeeswarar Temple in India

This acquisition will allow Afterland Incorporated access to unused the land currently allotted to Hinduism, land several have complained is unnecessary for a reincarnation-based religion, and it will grant Hindu leaders a new negotiation tool when dealing with creditors.

“As we see it, this agreement arrives to the benefit of all concerned,” explained Vishvarupa, speaking on behalf of the Board of Directors for Hinduism. “While we Hindus have a surplus of souls, we have always struggled raising capital. Now, under the umbrella of Afterland Incorporated, we should be able to repay or renegotiate much of our long-standing debt.”

“On behalf of Afterland, we are extremely excited for this long-term partnership,” stated Issac Asimov, Afterland representative who spearheaded this merger. “We are excited to find ourselves in a position to move forward on various expansion projects, projects many felt could never move beyond the development process. We also look forward to working with Vishvarupa, Indra, and Varuna to help them consolidate their debts and return a traditional belief system into a profitable one.”

Hinduism has been struggling with debt since around 1875 as Hinduism began to spread to America. The Hindu Board, believing they would soon need to accommodate the new influx of souls, spent billions on astral land and technology to allow for the resurrection of souls into uniquely American animals like the beavers, golden eagles and buffalo. Unfortunately for Hinduism, the belief system never achieved the foothold in the West they had hoped, leaving them strapped with seemingly hopeless amounts of debt.

“Already I’ve heard a few offers from banks who want to work with us in figuring out ways to lower our interest rates. This offer was unheard of only a few months ago,” explained Indra. “I haven’t heard from a yelling creditor in three days.”

Already, the feel of this merger is reaching down to physical world. In Hindu temples you can already find Afterland pamphlets reading “Had Enough Lives?” and appealing to Hindus that may be considering this life to be their final. Banners reading “Afterland Presents” can be found at many famous Hindu structures. Finally, and possibly most profoundly, some Hindu leaders are loosing up their moral structure, reflecting the beliefs of their new corporate head.

While some have voiced disagreement with these changes, most understand that for Hinduism to move forward as a viable world religion, some needed changes needed to happen.

“I’m not too sure how this will all work out,” stated Purandara Asaramji Bapu, long-time Hindu follower. “I don’t see how the inner-peace loving Hindu and Afterland follower, who are universally known as the partier-type, could possibly come together under their new unified leadership. However, I am willing to be open-minded, and perhaps I’ll feel a bit better about it after I’ve smoked a few joints while partaking in a three-way with large-breasted prostitutes.”

Only time will tell if this unprecedented merger will thrive, or if the fundamental differences between the belief systems will keep this partnership from reaching its great potential.

Error Empties Prayer Fund

On March 15, 2011, Bobby Joe Sullivan prayed a simple prayer, “Lord, please let me win the lottery.”  It was a common prayer, one heard all over the world and every single night.  But that night as the lotto balls were dropping, what had been destined to end in a quiet win-less night, instead made Bobby Joe a multi-millionaire.  Now administrators for the Department of Devine Intervention are scrambling to figure out what went wrong.

“We know who made the approval, it was an entry-level position, but we still have no idea how this slipped through,” explained HaMerkavah, Vice President for the Department of Devine Intervention.  “Most of the prayers his position typically handles include things like ‘Help me find my sock,’ ‘Don’t let the pie burn,’ ‘Where am I?’ and stuff like that.  The automated workflow system should not have forwarded that prayer to intervention specialist, and even then, it never should have reached an entry-level desk.  From there his desk, approved prayers face three levels of authorization before any action is taken.  We have so many preventative measures in place, I am dumbfounded as to how this happened.”

Unfortunately, whatever happened that evening, this single error has drained the entire department’s March funds, meaning fate can not be altered, by anyone, through the end of the month.

“Until the first of April, we suggest everyone turn to personal abilities, local services or science to help you face difficulties,” stated God in an open question and answer session regarding the situation.  “If you get sick, go to a doctor.  If you believe you or anyone else is in trouble, call the police.  If you see someone on the street who’s hungry, unfortunately you can no longer just pray he gets a sandwich, you will actually have to make him one and hand it to him or he will continue to starve.  We realize this is terribly inconvenient, and apologize for the situation.”

According to the Department for Devine Intervention, lottery wins and other gambling prayers are the third most common prayer among adults, and forth overall just behind prayers of health, salvation, and wanting to own a pony.  However, what many don’t know, the Department of Devine Intervention long-ago installed a gambling prayer filter, which automatically filters out these types of prayers and answers them with a decline to intervene.

But despite this universal rejection of assistance in gambling, these prayers keep coming in, and for one person, that praying has finally paid off. 

 “Thank you Jesus,” several reported hearing Mr. Sullivan shouting throughout the night.  “Oh thank you, thank you Jesus.”

Jesus has already released a statement declaring he had no part of this.

However, for everyone in the world not named Bobby Joe Sullivan, until the end of March they are on their own.

Muhammad Apologizes for Self-Portrait

In response to the public outcry over the depicted image of Muhammad he painted of himself, Muhammad has formally apologized for his actions and promises to destroy the image he created.

“When I signed up for An Introduction to the Human Figure, I never imagined it would end in a global controversy,” explained Muhammad in a prepared statement.  “I deeply apologize for any offense, or undue stress, caused by my attempt at a self-portrait, and I pledge to be more conscious of my followers’ beliefs with all future works I do.”

Muhammed's Class Photo -update- Photo has been removed by request and photographer stoned.

Muhammad went on to pledge he would not only destroy his controversial self-portrait, once his teacher finishes grading the project and returns it to him, but he will also destroy the two lesser-known drawings he made of his left hand from previous class assignments.

Professor Jacques d’Arc, instructor of An Introduction to the Human Figure, has declined to make any specific comments at the request of Muhammad’s lawyers. Professor d’Arc has stated that doing a self portrait is not a requirement of his class, but an option that can be chosen by his students.  He also stated that later in the semester, during the section on sketching the human figure, he typically requires all students in rotation to pose for the other students in the class.  “Muhammad will not be asked to participate as a model.”

In regards to the actual painting, other than the few details that emerged early on, very little is known of it other than its existence.

“Muhammad kind of keeps to himself in class, and sits towards the corner, so I never got a good look at the picture itself,” explained fellow classmate Altan Khan.  “However, I do know it was black charcoal on off-white paper, and it was likely just from the shoulders up as that was the easiest of three assignments offered.  Almost all of us chose it.”

“Also,” added Cornelius Drebbel, who is another student in the class, “the eyes probably looked a little off.  Muhammad is not good with drawing eyes.”

Muhammad has stated that despite this controversy, he plans on finishing the course, and hopes to continue his studies in the spring.

“I don’t know if I have any true raw artistic talent or not, but I am not going to give up over just one poorly received piece,” declared Muhammad.  “I figure, if I can be even half as popular as an artist as I was a religious figure, I would still consider myself to be a ‘success.’”

And now a word from our sponsor…

God Forgets Jesus’s Birthday

It’s Jesus’s 2010th birthday, and throughout every corner of His mansion you can find old movie stars, famous theologians, scientists, comedians, and politicians. Music is blaring through the halls, wine is pouring out the tap, and it would seem the entire afterlife has emptied and everyone is in attendance, with one very notable exception, God.

Jesus Crying at his 2010th Birthday

Party-goers offered their best to keep the affair upbeat, but there was no hiding the clear on letdown Jesus’s face that His father had forgotten His only son’s birthday.

“The poor kid,” sympathized John Calvin. “When party upswings, like when Bathsheba did her saucy little dance for Him, Jesus would be smiling and joking, but the second the party cooled down, you could just see the disappointment in His eyes. A couple of the old apostles have told me they are going to stay over tonight to keep Him company.”

“The worst was when we sang Happy Birthday,” stated Adam. “The party was on the brink of out of control, then the lights dimmed, the cake was rolled in, and we all started singing. Everyone turned to the birthday boy and watched that huge Jesus smile we all know and love dissolve as He remembered who was not in attendance.  Jesus tried His best to force that smile into place, but His eyes kept scanning the room, and we all know who He was looking for.”

While most at the party seemed shocked God would forget His only begotten son’s birthday, others were more amazed this was the first party since Jesus’s 34th birthday in which God was not in attendance.

“God forgot His son’s birthday, that’s not news,” complained Joseph, Jesus’s stepfather, who has a history of not always getting along with his wife’s ex. “The Almighty didn’t make it to His son’s Bar Mitzvah, never sent Him a happy Passover card, and not once did I see a single child support payment. Not once. We tried our best, but the son of God should not have to work a side job as a carpenter to make ends meet.”

While God was not available for comment, those close to God reported He had been working on a lot of projects lately were confident God had been called away on something very important.

“He could have been stuck in payer with the Pope,” suggested St. Michael. “That new guy can really ramble.”

Fortunately, by the end of the party, even Jesus seemed to be having a good time, ending with Him in good spirits shouting from his roof, “Thanks for coming everyone and Merry Christmas.” However, those up there with the King of Kings reported He may have followed it all up by rolling His eyes and muttering, “Merry flippn’ Christmas indeed.”

Announcements

Buyers Beware

Throughout the downtown area you may have noticed individuals claiming to have psychic powers.  These so-called psychics may offer, for a fee, to contact your living relatives.  Let us be clear, these so-called psychics are frauds.  While we all agree it would be nice to communicate with our still-living friends and relatives, it cannot be done.  If you have a message for someone back on earth you will need to be patient and wait for his or her eventual death, just like we always have.

 

Do you have what it takes to be a Houri?

Attention Females!  Would you enjoy a career in field primarily dominated by women?  Would you enjoy working with 71 other like-minded individuals?  Are you a virgin, or can you at least fake it?  If so, perhaps a job in Paradise may be one for you.  We pay top dollar, including training and relocation expenses, and the position is open to anyone willing to sign on for at least a one-year contract.  Think of it like summer camp, but for sex slaves.  You’ll be amazed how fast the time flies and the new friends you’ll make.  As for job training, we’ll teach you everything you’ll need to know.  You’ll learn how nearly every garment or household object men have likely formed at least one sexual fantasy around, and how you can use that to your advantage.  How simple phrases like “Are all men that big?” can elevate you from a mediocre Houri, to a great one.  So come to the gates of Paradise and apply today.  Mention this add for a free coupon to Starbucks.

 

Missing Person

If anyone has seen Ahti, the Finnish god of depth and fish, please contact the local authorities.  Ahti has been missing now for two weeks according to his wife, Vellamo, who is the last known person to have seen him.  She reports that the night he left, he was not acting himself, and then he ran off in the middle of a quarrel between them.  If you have any information at all, his family would appreciate your help.  If Ahti is reading this, Vellamo wants you to know she is sorry, she wants you to come home, and she will never buy canned tuna again.

Heaven Opening Doors for Bake Sale

The Pearly Gates are opening up to the entire afterlife this Saturday in what will likely be the largest bake sale on record.

“Come one, come all to the most amazing bake sale ever,” shouted an angel advertising over the downtown area.  “You have not experienced a Rice Crispy Square until you’ve had one made by Pope Leo XIII.”

Flyer for Heaven's upcoming bake sale.

Heaven’s nearly annual bake sales are generally the talk of the afterlife, with many of Heaven’s most talented chefs preparing anything from simple chocolate chip cookies to white fudge dipped carrot cake cookies.  And with the recent death of several notable chefs, likely this year will be no different.

However, while the size and scope alone would make this year’s sale notable, what will really make Saturday special is the fact that this is the first event of any kind open to outsiders, within the walls of heaven.  While some are calling it a simple publicity stunt to drum up sales, others are declaring it a major step in opening up communications between the eternities.

“Perhaps if they had done this three thousand years ago, I wouldn’t have told the Babylonians to burn their temple to the ground,” said Inanna, Mesopotamian goddess of war.  “Maybe.”

On the other end, there are whispering that this event is just one more hint at Heaven’s potential financial problems.

“Heaven’s finances are just fine,” declared God, as he always has since word of potential financial problems surfaced several years ago.  “But God does have to say God was pretty clear in Leviticus how sacrifices should be made.  Everything gets burned at the temple.  It’s as straightforward as you get.  God doesn’t remember saying anything about it being okay to use it to buy a basketball court, a fancy youth bus, or pay for the pastor’s trip to Tahiti.  You burn it, period.  Sometimes God wonder what Jesus was telling our people whenever God stepped away for just a minute.”

Either way, Saturday will surely be a bake sale talked about long after the last cookie is sold.  As with previous years, if you hope to get one of Martin Luther’s famous macaroons, be sure to arrive early.

The gates will open at 8:00.

Ask a Deity, Featuring: Satan

How hot is Hell?

Like many aspects of Hell, the heat is grossly exaggerated.  Due to our proximity to the Earth’s core, and budget constraints preventing us from acquiring ideal cooling, Hell tends to be warmer than most would like, averaging 96 degrees Fahrenheit or about 36 degrees Celsius.  We understand this a bit uncomfortable for most, but I have found that after 20 to 30 years, the typical person adjusts.

If God is all-loving, why did he create Hell?

Again, this goes back to the unfortunate reputation of Hell.  Yes, we do house the only afterlife prison, Torquemada Penitentiary, which is for the major moral offenders, but most of our residents either did not affiliate with a religion, or did not adequately submit to the requirements of the religion they belonged to.  Despite rumors to the contrary, we don’t beat our residents, we don’t deprive them of their needs, or peel skin off their bones, unless, of course, you get sent to Torq Pen.  The afterlife just needed a place for wayward souls to go and God made Hell to fill that need.  In Hell, everyone is welcome.

How does one avoid being cast into Hell?

First, I should say I do object to the popular Biblical image of being cast into Hell.  It’s a marketing tool and unless you are sent to Torq Pen, no one is “cast into Hell.”  Is Hell as grand, or as nice, or have as many virgins as some of the other afterlifes?  No, but we work with the budget we have, and we try to build the best eternity for the souls that turn to us.  Now, to answer the question, how to you qualify for the more luxurious afterlifes?  Find a stable religion, and try your best to obey the laws your religion sets forth.  Know that all religions expect some minor infractions, but expect to put forth some real effort and sacrifice if you want to make the cut.  Also, don’t forget to tithe.  No matter how kind you are to the cashier, if you don’t pay, you don’t get the Happy Meal.

Afterland Temporarily Closing Twelve Gates

In response to the Vikings’ invasion of the Terrestrial Kingdom and ongoing protests, Afterland will be temporarily reducing its active gates to three.  For the next five weeks, we will be reinforcing the entrances and increasing security as a preventative measure against any potential hereafter squatters.  During this time of construction, we are asking all residents to do their part in minimizing foot traffic going in and out of Afterland.

Vikings protesting their afterlife outside the capitol

If you are one who frequently visits other afterlifes, or the downtown area, throughout construction we strongly suggest you consider one of Afterland’s many options.  We tirelessly attempt to meet the needs of all of our residents, and we believe almost anyone can find whatever they desire within the walls of Afterland.  If you would like recommendations for entertainment, dining, or body alteration (yes, we do have shops offering wings, tails, extra arms, lobster claws, etc…), please approach any Afterland employee, and they would be happy to assist you.

However, if you do find yourself needing to set foot beyond our borders, please consider our many non-gate alternatives including the secret spy tunnels beneath the city, using a smoke bomb personal teleportation tablet, or simply riding a Pegasus Bus over the wall.  Our policy still stands that all guests or new arrivals must go through the main gates, so if you must use them please plan ahead as there will likely be expected delays.

We appreciate your cooperation in advance and thank you for choosing Afterland as your eternal afterlife destination.

Who’s Holier than Thou?

To help you rate your own holiness, see how you rank with the rest of humanity.  Good luck!

(Click to enlarge image)